How to start a conversation with a girl? How to get a girl to like you?
These are the questions guys have been asking since the dawn of time. To answer these questions, we have to answer another question: how do you show a girl that you really like her? The answer of course, is by flirting—but how do you flirt with a girl?
Flirting can be seen as a mating dance. We signal our attraction to a girl by doing the dance, and she dances back, either to show you that she likes you too, or to rebuff you and send you on your way. When we flirt, we signal our romantic attraction to a girl in a playful and exhilarating way.
We all flirt, and although it is a basic human instinct, we nevertheless have to learn how to do it, we need to practice to hone our skills, and we need to understand the social rules that apply to it.
The Proteus Effect
We flirt subconsciously and consciously. Subconscious flirting is sometimes called the Proteus effect. Proteans are subconscious signals we send spontaneously when we are romantically attracted to someone.
When a girl touches her hair or rolls her curls around her fingers when she has just met a guy, this is a flirting signal, and an indication that she really likes him even though she might not fully realize it yet.
How to respond:
Rather than respond to these covert signals, you should be on the lookout for these “tells” to evaluate your flirting strategy. If a lot of “tells” are present, you can assume that she either likes you, or she is interested enough to try to figure out how much she likes you.
Signals of Flirting by Girls
- Playing with her hair
- Her eyes are locked into yours
- Her pupils are dilated
- She leans into you
- She moves her legs in a nervous way
- Her feet are slightly apart and pointed towards you
- She plays with her ankles or legs
- Counter intuitively, when she evades looking at you from a distance
- She licks her lips
- She bites her lips
- She blushes
- Her shoulders point towards you
- She holds her purse loosely and it is not blocking her front
DISCLAIMER: These covert signs are subconscious signals that indicate the girl’s private reaction to your presence. Research by Rutgers University suggests that a girl’s body will know within one second whether she is attracted to you or not, and she will know whether she is sexually attracted to you within 30 seconds.
There is a snag however. Research by Karl Grammar suggest that women are interested in any stranger for the first few minutes irrespective of their attraction, and that they only ‘indicate’ their true level of interest after this time.
The covert signals can sometimes be misleading. Sometimes it might only indicate that the girl is trying to decide whether she is interested in you or not. So observe with care.
As a general rule of caution, do not overestimate how interested she is.
Bendixen published in Evolutionary Psychology in 2014, among others, indicate that guys often think girls are into them when they are not, and that girls are often completely oblivious to the fact that a guy is very much into them. So you have to be careful out there.
If you are a typical guy, you will probably overestimate her interest in you, and this can lead to embarrassment if not creepy or harassing behavior. Take your time. Observe before you move in with your best pickup lines ever.
Researchers at the University of Kansas found that as little as 36% of men and just 18% of women will actually sense it, if someone is flirting with them. Sometimes, the researchers found, even when both parties are flirting with each other, neither can sense that the other one is flirting back.
Flirting takes place in an overt safe-space. No one wants to be covert enough to be rebuffed and embarrassed, so people make it very hard to distinguish between flirtation and friendliness.
It’s not easy…
To emphasize how difficult it is, the Kansas researchers showed films of the persons flirting with each other to their friends. Only 38% of them could identify if flirting were taking place. Women were especially bad at it. Only 22% of them point out flirtation.
Guys must take special note of this. After a night of flirtation, many guys go home despondent because the girl they really like did not respond to their overtures and never flirted back.
You have to be subtle, but you have to be persistent.
There is a very good chance that the girl simply didn’t realize that you were flirting like a madman. Sometimes, if flirtation does not work, you have to do the next best thing – tell her how you feel.
Best pickup lines 101: “Do you have a name, or can I call you Mine?”
How to Flirt (For Men)
Considering the fact that girls are so often oblivious to a guy’s overtures, it is little wonder that the male of the species flirt in a much more covert, much more physical way.
Guys tend to flex their muscles, and they often become very active around the girl. Guys try to get as close to the girl as possible to display their goods – and because they just like being close to feminine beauty.
Many guys become so verbose that they actually out-talk the girls, something that does not happen often to the very talkative female of the species. Guys focus on finding the right pickup line, and on chatting-up as an art, and this sometimes causes verbal hyperactivity.
Pace yourself, and leave some openings for her – she is after all the one programmed to do most of the talking.
Girls, on the other hand, tend to become classically mysterious. The girls flirt in a way that is so subtle, that it can be very difficult to notice it – sometimes they will flirt with you simply by wearing something really nice and sexy, just to tease you a little bit.
It is socially programmed into girls not to pursue guys openly, and to remain modest and passive.
Flirting for Beginners
Choose someone with equal good looks. This will increase your confidence. Flirt with someone that will likely flirt back with you.
If she rejects your overtures, that is fine. It is perfectly acceptable to flirt with someone who you mistakenly thought might return the favor. It is unnecessary to feel embarrassed by a failure or rejection. It is perfectly acceptable to flirt even if you are absolutely inept at reading the signals. Practice makes perfect.
It is safer and more socially acceptable to flirt at:
- Drinking Spots
- Schools and Colleges
- Social Sports and Hobby Clubs
- On dating sites (on free online dating sites participants might be into more casual hookups, which makes it more suitable for you to practice the art of flirtation)
The Basics: How to Flirt
Eyes, as they say, are the windows to the soul. We communicate with our eyes, and convey many social and sexual signals this way. If you notice a girl you are really attracted to, and you want to signal your interest in her, and need to interpret the signal she sends back, then you only have to make direct eye contact from anywhere across a room, and lock on for a second or two.
If you overdo it, it may signal hostility. When two people continuously stare into each other’s eyes, it is often a sign of infatuation.
If the girl avoids eye contact with you, or turns away instantly, you can assume she is not interested. If she meets your eyes, you can approach her, and speak to her as soon as you make direct eye contact with her again.
When you flirt, you have to be very aware of the girl’s personal space. Although you want to move in and get as close to her as you can, you have to be careful not to invade her personal space and ruining the moment.
Researchers identified personal space norms, and pinned private personal space as an area of between 18” and 4’ around you, and they pinned social space as between 12’ and 4’ around you.
So you are now approaching the girl after she returned eye contact with you. When you reach her social zone, you have to re-establish eye contact. If she again locks on and reciprocates your eye contact, you can move closer, and into her personal space, but never closer than an extended arms-length.
So now you have moved in and you are within range. It is time to introduce yourself. If you have reached this point, it is advisable to avoid any precast pickup lines. Don’t go for something like “My doctor said I should use more Vitamin U.”
We advise that you use a “you-are” pickup line here.
A good compliment will break the ice and you will be able to buy a lot of goodwill right at the start. Something like “Hi, I’m Peter. I couldn’t help noticing you from over there, You are wearing a really stunning outfit” often do the trick.
If she isn’t holding a purse and a glass and whatever else in her hands, you can initiate contact by reaching out to shake her hand. It is by no means only for masculine introductions anymore.
Start A Conversation
After your introduction, you enter the graveyard zone.
If you stutter or freeze up at this point, it becomes very difficult to move forward and embarrassing to extract yourself from her space. Spend a lot of time practicing and visualizing your follow-up after she replied to you by introducing herself.
Reply as smoothly and naturally as you can. Any sense that you are trying to be slick will undo your progress. It is normally enough to start with light social banter.
- “Do you come here often?”
- “Are you enjoying the music?”
- If she is holding an empty glass, or has not yet been served, you can even muster “Can I buy you a drink?”
Don’t try to be deep or dramatic. Flirting is a lighthearted fun activity. Make it a pleasant experience for her.
Don’t hijack the evening. Just because you entered her space and the two of you hit it off, does not mean that she can change her plans right there. She might be with friends, or even waiting for a date, so know your boundaries.
As a rule, this inbound flirtation should never last longer than five minutes. You have to leave her with just enough mystery that she really yearns for you to come back for more.
DON’T dominate your five minutes with odes about yourself, and don’t try to do some quick hard sales. Guys tend to think that a girl wants to be a passive passenger in there narrative life-story. The ‘me-me-me” narrative is a turn-off.
You have to get her to talk. The more she talks, the more interesting she will find you. The more she shares with you, the more she would want to know about you afterwards. Don’t ask invasive questions.
Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend. It is too covert and it is a conversation stopper if she says yes. When you’re young you are searching for the one and relationships come and go. Don’t disqualify yourself so quickly.
Your body language can impact your flirtatious interaction. Most guys tend to adopt a posture that will make them look tall, broad chested, and masculine. Watch out what the girl does. Girls often try to look as small as possible by drawing in their knees when they sit down, for example.
Girls also like to display their best physical attributes. If the girl continually crosses and uncrosses her legs, or leans forward in a way to draw attention to her breasts, she is definitely flirting back in a big way.
When you are interacting with the girl, sitting down and having a drink, and you are in serious flirt-mode, you might experience intense anxiety, especially if you just made your first move and were invited to sit down.
Similarly, the girl might also experience pins and needles, and feel insecure and nervous. Certain behavior indicate nervousness.
What else to look for:
When someone rubs her hands, or clasp her hands, this is most likely a sign of anxiety, just as shaking hands and sweating.
According to research anxious people make gestures toward their own bodies, while confident people gesture away from their bodies. If you control your gestures, you will exude confidence while you can observe the girl.
If she is anxious, take note, she is into you.
Be a gentleman and help her unwind with good humor
Nothing is more of a passion killer than an impassive face and a blank stare.
Convey emotion with your face when you are flirting with a girl.
Respond to her by following her words visually. She will be zoomed in on your reactions to her, and the only place she can really see your experience of her, is in your face. If she cannot find your joy in her presence on your face, she will not stay.
Use your voice. First impressions are the ultimate opening lines. Research suggests that 38% of her first impression of you will be based on the way you speak with her, while only 7% will depend on what you actually say. Do not mumble and never sound impassive.
Convey your feelings with your voice.
- Sound delighted to see her.
- Sound excited to talk to her.
- Sound amused, when she is funny.
- Sound exhilarated when you connect
- And sound sexy when it’s called for.
Listen to her carefully.
- If she sounds bored, she is.
- If she sound flat, she is.
- If she sounds hostile, she is.
And if she sounds happy and bubbly and never stops talking excitedly, shrieking with pleasure and emotion, you are there.
Touching is the ultimate aphrodisiac and signals the climax of your flirting adventure. If a girl touches you, albeit accidentally, subconsciously, or obviously intentional in order to emphasize what she is saying or to empathize with what you are telling her, then you are in the hot zone.
Girls are extremely physical in conveying emotion. While guys tend to see touching as a sexual overture, girls see touch as an emotional connection that declares her possible future physical connection.
If a girl allows you to touch her without withdrawing, then she is proceeding with you towards greater intimacy.
Proceed with caution:
Be very careful if you try to touch her. The safest place to touch her, is on her arm. A soft nudge on the arm will convey electricity if there is mutual attraction.
If you touched her and she moves closer, or you sense increased intimacy, you can move in for a repeat touch, before you attempt to get closer.
Close the Deal
Flirting is like a dating sales call. Your intent is to discover some real prospects. You don’t want to be lonely and you love girls. You are basically approaching and interviewing to find your future soul mate.
If you hit the flirt-zone, you have just created a future asset – you broke the ice, now you have melt it slowly.
Your five minute flirtation, is goal oriented. You went in, and you now have to arrange a free pass for next time.
So close the sale by having your passport stamped: I really enjoyed chatting with you. Maybe we can do this again soon?
If she responds favorably to your suggestion, you can actually go in for the kill – “I would really, really like to take you out on a date soon. Can I phone you?
Bang! You have her number.
We found that a simple compliment at the end of the engagement, can create a lingering sense of titillation after you have left the scene. “You know, I really, really like you.”
This parting line might sound bland or too covert, but there are few compliments that are more enticing than this.
We flirt because we like the girl. We flirt, in the hope that she might like us back. To achieve this, we have to have fun doing it. Some of the most important things to keep in mind are:
- Laugh a lot. Laugh at her jokes. Laugh with her. Laugh for her, and she will be yours.
- Laugh rather than smile. Smiling can be condescending and might appear insincere.
- Compliments are your currency, but use with care.
- Don’t compliment her just for the sake of it. Compliment her because you mean it.
- Stay away from overtly sexual or physical compliments. Don’t compliment her body parts or sex-appeal.
- Be selective. One great compliment can last a long time. For every extra compliment you add, the impact is reduced.
- Follow a two-compliment rule. Two great and sincere compliments can make the day.
- Humor rules the roost.
- Being humorous is not the same as trying to be funny.
- Humor is a light-hearted approach that focuses on the amusing things in life.
- Joking and teasing with good humor is what flirting is all about.
- Suggestive though clichéd jokes like “Would you like coffee, tea or me?” are typical.
Five Tips for Flirting Online
So you are doing some free online dating and you want to hone your flirting skills?
- Keep it light-hearted
- Focus on her, not on you.
- Ask her some soft questions to help her open-up.
- Compliments are the oil that keeps the dating wheel turning, so learn how to do it well. A good compliment is a sincere compliment.
- Move in for the kill quickly. Online dating is fast and less hazardous. If she rejects you, send a smiley face and move on, or come back again later for more.