Sometimes there are things in our life that we regret. There are things that we wish we could undo, or wish we could have some type of do-over. These types of regrets are often felt after a breakup.
Typically some regret sets in when you realize that you still really love your partner and feel the breakup was a mistake.
In the days following the breakup, you may find yourself thinking about how things could have gone so wrong in your relationship, what you could have done to make things right, and how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
First of all, you have to accept the fact that there is absolutely no guarantee you can get her back.
It depends on many factors. Some of these factors you can control, but others, not so much.
But if you are willing to put the effort in and show her that you sincerely want her back in your life, then you are moving in the right direction. That said, here are some ideas on how to get your girlfriend back.
Identify who initiated the breakup.
Of course, identifying who initiated the break-up is probably not that hard to do. If you are filled with grief and anxiety, we are assuming that you did not initiate it.
But what if you did break up with her, and you now want to retract your decision? Then you need an entirely different approach.
For now, this article is going to deal with how to get your ex-girlfriend back if she was the one who ended it.
According to studies
In 2015, Michael Rosenfeld, a Stanford University associate professor of sociology conducted a relationship analysis that showed almost 70% of all divorces in the United States were initiated by females, and only 30% by males.
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But of course, this is not about pointing blame but simply for identifying the kind of approach you should take on how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
Know the reason why she broke up with you.
This can be a tricky step. As she was breaking up with you, she might have told you some general line. I just need some space. I feel like we’ve just grown apart.
If your ex girlfriend gives you a line like that, or any other line from this list of generic breakup lines, then it’s highly likely there’s a deeper reason and she’s just not willing to go into it at the moment.
So what can you do now? It can be hard knowing how to get your ex girlfriend back when you are up against these types of roadblocks.
While there may be some truth to these vague statements, you still need to find the underlying reason why she really broke up with you. Because believe me, it’s never as simple as that.
You will have to ask yourself a number of questions. You might have to dig deep into your relationship to find the answers to these questions. If you really want to get her back, you will have to keep an open mind during this process.
You might discover things that could hurt or that are hard to understand. You should be able to withstand these feelings if you really want to get back together.
Reasons for a break up
There are many reasons why a girl would usually break up with a guy. According to relationship experts, these reasons can usually be sorted into four main categories.
- Loss of attraction
- Presence of a third party
- Commitment issues
1. Loss of Attraction
It is possible for some girls to say outright that they are no longer attracted to you. However, this is a very rare occurrence.
In most cases, you will have to figure out for yourself if this is indeed the reason why your ex broke up with you. Ultimately, loss of attraction is the reason why most girls break up with their boyfriends.
How to Know If Your Ex No Longer Finds You Attractive
Ask yourself the following questions.
- Were you too nice to her?
- Did you always do everything she told you to do?
- Was it part of your regular routine to give her compliments?
- Did you always placate her with gifts when she was not in a good mood?
- Did you frequently tell her that she means the world to you?
- Were you usually the first to greet her or contact her?
- Were you the first one to say “I love you” for the first time, and on subsequent times?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, you might think you were just being an awesome boyfriend. But guess what? Doing these things all of the time may have a deeper meaning—that you were always the one more into her than she was into you.
It seems that perhaps you were desperate for her approval, and that possibly you felt to some degree inferior to her, and she may have picked that up then feeling that she could do better!
What do women want?
Women want a strong leader, but also an equal who does esteem them but isn’t their little puppy on a leash!
If you realize that you have a tendency to be insecure, clingy and smothering to your girlfriend, you need to change that. Here are some more warning signs you should watch out for.
Of course, you didn’t actually intend to convey those things but unfortunately, you may have. And if you did those things regularly, it is not surprising that your girlfriend lost her attraction.
Don’t be too depressed though. Though you may be hurting now, accepting these things may be the first step in getting your ex girlfriend back.
2. Third-Party Involvement
There are a few different variations of this breakup reason. Maybe you were having an affair and she found out. Maybe you were flirting, harmlessly in your opinion, with another girl and it was a huge deal to her. Or maybe she was the one who was attracted to another person.
For the first two reasons, you are clearly in the wrong and you probably realize that it may take a miracle for you to get your ex girlfriend back.
A billion apologies and bouquets of flowers would probably be a good way to start (and that may just be a start). In such situations, you do have to exert infinite effort to show your remorse. This is necessary before she will even consider taking you back.
3. Commitment Issues
This one is not too hard to figure out. A lot of guys actually have issues being committed to a serious relationship. If this is your situation, you are definitely not alone.
There are several instances that reveal whether a man has commitment issues, even during the earlier stages of a relationship. When you first started going out, try to recall if there were some early indications.
Did your ex girlfriend make subtle hints about going exclusive, but you just ignored it or felt that you weren’t ready?
Furthermore, did your ex imply that she was ready to get married or take it to another level but you kept putting it off? You may also want to check out this article that discusses the signs that indicate someone might have commitment issues.
At the time, you might have thought it wasn’t such a big deal, since you two seemed to be doing so well together. But the truth is that commitment is one of the major factors that most women are looking for in their partners.
If you are not able or willing to give it, your girlfriend will be forced to give you up and look for someone that she can have a more committed future with.
A long-distance relationship is hard to maintain, to say the least. Those who can make it work actually deserve an award. Most couples who have to move away from each other for whatever reason are usually doomed to break up eventually.
The good news is that if this is the reason you and your ex broke up, there’s a good chance that the attraction and the emotional bond is still there. But then again, the methods of how to get your ex girlfriend back would also be challenging.
This is especially true if there is no way to go around the physical distance that separates you. If you want to know how to get your girlfriend back despite being physically apart, you can follow some of the LDR tips that relationship expert Andrea Bonior shares in a post in Psychology Today.
Give her space
Now that you have more clearly understood the reasons for your breakup, the next step is to give her space. Allow her some time to be apart from you so she can think clearly, which goes for you as well. Avoid calling her or texting her or running into her “accidentally”.
Sometimes this might not be so easy especially if you live in the same neighborhood or are at the same job or school. It’s practically impossible if you work together or if you even have a child together.
Of course, you can’t completely avoid each other under these circumstances. But still, you need to limit your contact and communication until such a time that you feel you are ready to reach out and she is ready to give you a chance again.
Giving her space serves multiple purposes. It gives both of you the chance to think about your relationship and where you want to go with it. It allows you to improve yourself so that when you try to win her back, she will find you more attractive and maybe agree to give your relationship a second chance.
If you were admittedly at fault, it might give her some peace of mind. It will help her find it in her heart to forgive you, which is possible if she truly loves you. And finally, it gives her the chance to miss you and see how different life would be without you. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and that is actually true in many cases.
Catch her attention again
You might be very eager to do this but we have to warn you to take it slow. If your situation is like majority of breakups, then the reason would have been loss of attraction.
If you throw yourself at her again, it would be like repeating the process all over again. Instead of attracting her, you would just be pushing her away even more.
What you should do is to try and attract her without actually having direct contact or communication with her. In other words, you should show her that you are not someone who is easily replaceable, and that you do have a lot of value as a boyfriend.
So how do you do this? You can go out with your friends, have a good time and post pictures on social media. Or you can present an impression that you are not that depressed about the breakup.
Show her that your life goes on even after she has broken up with you. Don’t worry that this will turn her off. On the contrary, this will make you more attractive to her (especially if you smothered her a bit). She will become open to the idea of rekindling a relationship with you.
Restore communication without sounding desperate
After a brief period of spending time apart and strategically attracting her again with your subtle moves and social media posts, it then would be time to start restoring communication again.
However, you do want to avoid sounding too desperate, even if deep inside, you really are. Play it cool. To make it easier for you, here are some things that you should NOT do if you want to learn how to get your ex girlfriend back.
- Do not send her overly dramatic messages begging her to be your girlfriend again. It’s good that you are exchanging messages again but keep your tone casual.
- Do not reply to her text messages immediately, especially if it takes half a day for her to reply to your texts.
- Do not view her social media messages as soon as your phone beeps. There is an indicator on most messaging apps that shows a message has been seen. Even if you don’t reply immediately, she will still see that you open her messages right away. This is not attractive.
- Do not send long and mushy messages. Again, this reeks of desperation, particularly if her messages back to you are just a few words or one sentence at a time.
Hang out with her
If your texting and online messaging seems to be going well and she seems to be receptive of rekindling a relationship with you, then you can start inviting her out again to spend some time with you.
Physically spending time together is important. This allows you to test the waters and see if you still have that physical attraction you once had.
Don’t rush into anything too intimate or physical though, just take things slowly and begin to rebuild. As a matter of fact, your goal is to get her to make the first move. If she does that, then there’s a very good chance that you can get her back.
Entice her into getting back together with you
If you reach this stage, it would be pretty obvious that the attraction she once felt for you is back, and maybe even intensified. The only thing left for you to do is to ask her if she wants to formally renew your relationship and be your girlfriend again.
You’re pretty much there actually so by this time, you just have to keep doing what you have been doing. At the same time, do not repeat the mistakes that you did before.
Never repeat the things that caused her to break up with you in the first place.
- If you had been smothering her with too much attention, you should lay off a bit. Take it easy and show her you understand balance.
- If you had been showing her that you fear commitment, then maybe you can try to mitigate that fear. Look at your relationship and your future from a more mature standpoint.
- If a third party had been involved, do exert extra effort to affirm your loyalty. Show her that you will not be tempted to do the same mistake again.
Like what we said in the beginning, there is no 100% effective technique of how to get your ex-girlfriend back. All we can do is give you some guidelines.
But even if you follow our tips to a tee, she might still not take you back. She will, of course, have her reasons and you should respect her decision. But if she does take you back, you should learn from your mistakes. Do your best to be a great boyfriend!