There are two kinds of talk before, during, and after sex: pillow talk and kinky or dirty talk.
Pillow talk comes in the moments before and after being intimate and doesn’t necessarily have to include sexual relations at all.
Dirty talk, on the other hand, is sandwiched in between. If search results are any indication, the practice is definitely gaining in popularity in the U.S. with 9,000 Internet searches conducted monthly for “how to talk dirty to a guy” alone.
While fewer Americans engage in linguistic lovemaking than those that regularly employ it, up to 80 percent of adults surveyed admitted to some degree of sexy wordplay during romantic interludes.
What exactly is being said that constitutes dirty talk is open to debate, because an “Oh, yeah, baby, that feels good” could be considered racy by some.
Actually, any talking during sex is probably viewed as kinky by the other 20 percent, and they might just blush at the mere thought of it.
If you, however, are interested in it, talking dirty is just a form of expression, and unless you’re dragging verbal imagery that includes kids or animals into it, it’s perfectly harmless. In many cases, a little racy language can even liven up waning sex life.
Men seem to engage in it more frequently, but women enjoy it as well.
If you’ve toyed with the idea of incorporating it into your sex life, or your man is encouraging you to try it, we’ve got the lowdown on how to talk dirty to a guy.
Talk Dirty to Me
According to a piece featured on YourTango.com (as referenced in the statistic above) back in 2011, adult toy manufacturer Adam & Eve conducted a survey among their customers to determine the frequency with which they spiced up their sex lives with dirty talk.
The results determined that 12 percent of participants admitted to “always” using some form of it when they hit the mattress with a partner.
So, while the numbers were not overwhelming, if you find you do enjoy the practice, know that you’re not alone.
For first-timers, start slow.
Find out what strikes a chord, and work up from there. The gradual progression doesn’t have to take place all in one encounter—unless you’re a natural or have had it bottled up inside of you just waiting to be released.
Take your time, try out a few phrases, gauge their response, and go from there.
Here are two things to consider as a woman when talking dirty to a romantic partner:
Know His Kinks
The whole process of how to talk dirty to a guy hinges on his kinks. If you know what turns him on, it makes the entire endeavor that much simpler.
Truthfully, men just want to know that you’re impressed with their package and their performance, and any verbal praise or reference to the two in a breathy voice constitutes positive feedback that serves to fuel the flames.
On the flip side, some men get off on using words they know they shouldn’t say to a woman they’re supposed to respect.
Speaking of which…
As with any sex act, don’t let things get out of hand and drop to the level of degrading if you’re going to regret it later, and many women do. If you’re into being called degrading names, that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with it if that’s what turns you on.
It’s nobody’s business but yours.
Talking dirty can get as raunchy as you like, but never lose sight of the fact it’s a form of fantasy, not to be confused with the reality of who you are or your worth as a person.
How to Talk Dirty to a Guy in Bed
A recent study undertaken by online dating site Saucy Dates exposed all the grunts, groans, moaning, and dialogue that men and women enjoy the most. Surprisingly, it’s the sounds more than the words that got both males and females aroused to the greatest extent.
The No. 1 favorite form of expression for 90 percent of guys and 77 percent of ladies was the simple act of moaning, with both groups noting it as a major turn-on.
After that, talking dirty, heavy breathing, and screaming came in respectively on the list of the Top 4 arousers, followed by swearing, squeaking, and silence (that’s likely the 20 percent we talked about earlier).
While 51.4 percent of men found screaming to be just the ticket for getting the little general to salute, understandably only 36.2 percent of women reacted to it positively.
The remainder probably thought their partners were having a Desert Storm flashback or suffering from PTSD.
Interesting facts, but what words are the dirty talkers uttering between the sheets? As it turns out, of the Top 3, two are pretty pedestrian, and one could be construed as a little disturbing, but not surprising, nonetheless.
They are baby, harder, and daddy.
How Do You Talk Dirty to a Guy?
An online publication in the U.K. known as Metro read the same Saucy Dates survey and decided to take the entire concept a step further and find out just what it was people wanted to hear or say during the heat of the moment.
The “daddy” theme and macho alpha male modes were in full swing among the 11 subjects willing to discuss their preferences and experiences on the subject.
Here’s some of the banter that got their temperatures rising, and a few of them are not what you’d expect:
Discussing other men, their prowess, and genital size is a huge turn-on for some guys to hear from the woman they’re in the throes of passion with. Some men like to watch, so this is actually a notch down on the weird scale.
Not acting them out, but just verbalizing fantasies while engaging in sex apparently trips a lot of triggers. One couple talked their way through a bondage scene with a co-worker (unbeknownst to her) that took place in the woods, and both found it mutually satisfying.
Domination & Degradation
Of course not everyone’s cup of tea, but being domineered and simultaneously degraded is an increasingly popular theme among men. This is sort of interesting because they usually portray themselves as the dominator, but part of the attraction is ceding authority and letting go.
Play by Play
Similar to verbal fantasizing, a lot of men who are verbose in the bedroom get caught up in basically giving you a play-by-play as they’re going through the motions.
It usually consists of what they’re doing and what they’re going to do next peppered with comments regarding the type of woman he sees you as.
You might also get a number of “You like that?” and “Yeah, you know you do!”s followed by requests for clarification of who he is (your daddy, Greek god, rock-hard stud, etc.) or who you are (his dirty girl or words we can’t print here).
We’re not suggesting you try any of these examples, and we shudder to think how a lot of males would react to your discussing prior intimate liaisons while you’re in the thick of it (hint: not well), but you have to feel your guy out—and, no, that’s not meant as a double entendre or a pun.
Whether he’s initiated the sexy talk or it’s on your end, don’t spring something like that on him unless he’s given you a reason to believe he really wants to hear it.
How to Talk Dirty to a Guy Examples
Before you try going whole hog, dip your toes in the water with some of these slightly dirty and fully flirty lines:
- I get hot just thinking about you.
- I want to share every inch of my body with you.
- You make me so hot I can’t stand it.
- I want you right now.
- You feel so amazing.
- I can’t stop thinking about all of the things I want you to do to me.
- I want to feel every inch of you.
- I love it when you (fill in the blank).
- Do that thing that you did to me last time. I want more.
- I need you.
- I want you to take me right now.
- You drive me wild.
- I can’t get enough of you.
- I want you so badly.
- Your (fill in the blank) is so sexy.
- I want to peel you like a grape.
- I want to have my way with you.
- I want you to have your way with me.
- I love it when you touch me like that.
- Yes, that’s it. Don’t stop!
- You know what I like/want.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with a little directional effort for guiding each other along in bed rather than suffering in silence. But try and stop short of becoming a traffic cop.
No one likes a backseat driver.
Another tip, if you’re going to do this, is don’t ever make each other feel stupid, silly, or immoral for engaging in dirty talk.
The experts remind us that talking dirty should come from a playful or daring place and that there’s no reason to be embarrassed, shy, or afraid. Instead, we should explore and enjoy. But you’ve still got to get the words out.
If you’re unsure of how to talk dirty to a guy, Barbara Keesling, psychologist and author of “Talk Sexy to the One You Love,” suggests that you start by using your imagination.
Dream something up inside that vixenish brain of yours and jot it down. When you’ve worked out all the kinks—or added them—try practicing the things you want to say in your steamy little scenario before a mirror.
This is your chance to work on various words for genitalia and certain acts you may have envisioned in your head. Then there’s dirty words and slang. You have to decide if you even want to go there.
Either way, rehearse until you can manage it without bursting into laughter or turning beet red and feeling as if your entire head were on fire.
Keesling admits that, yes, it does sound goofy, but it does work. Again, start with some things that are sexy but not necessarily dirty to get the hang of it first.
It will get easier as you go, particularly if you decide you like it.
What Women Say About Talking Dirty to a Guy
Nova100 asked 16 women what they really thought about dirty talk, and the answers were as expected—only funnier.
Most were lukewarm on the subject, at best, but a few admitted to liking it, and one claimed it was a pretty integral part of her sex life.
She and others did admit that the “pornier” it got the less turned on and satisfied they felt by the experience.
Words like “forced,” “awkward,” and “uncomfortable” came up a lot when describing it and a “meh” or two was added. “Distracting” and “laughable” were also used.
All in all, a lot of women couldn’t get into it.
Emily, 27 “My ex-boyfriend was super into it, so I obliged. But it never really did anything for me – in fact, I kind of found it a bit of a chore and distracted me from my ‘end goal’. So yeah, it’s not really for me. Actually, I hate it.”
Jen, 35 “I don’t mind it. I’ll say a few things here and there, but I’m too much of a realist to actively participate in the type of talk that requires imagination. Usually, it leaves me thinking — ‘You want me to what? Just how would I DO that?’ And then I’m lost in my own mind with zero participation in the chatting part.”
Scientific Reasons Behind Dirty Talk Stimulation
Website Medical Daily asked what is it about erotic communication that increases our sexual arousal?
At its core, it’s all in your head, and doctors have a lot to say on the topic of spicy dialogue as a tool for gratification. You’ve probably heard that the brain is an even more powerful sex organ than genitalia.
Our libidos are, after all, controlled by our brains through hormones and neurotransmitters and our minds are easily excited through audio and visual stimulation.
“People very much enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is also getting stimulated. Similar areas of the brain are touched upon during dirty talk as when we curse. So, very often as your brain sees it, the dirtier, the better,”Daryl Cioffi, who specializes in couples, relationships, sex, and neuropsychology.
In his role as owner of Polaris Counseling & Consulting, Cioffi was interviewed by Medical Daily for insight into their question on erotic communication.
The Rhode Island-based counselor went on to explain that this kind of sex play is “a whole mind and body experience.”
Benefits of Talking Dirty
There are benefits to this type of sexual expression beyond the physical hormone-driven aspects.
By getting comfortable with discussing sex and feeling free enough to express your wants, you are opening the lines of communication between you and your partner.
Furthermore, couples that communicate during intimacy are more apt to achieve higher levels of satisfaction. It can also be liberating and works to lower inhibitions, and ultimately aids in bonding.
How to talk dirty to a guy is really not that hard.
Just remember, in order for it to come off as sexy, it has to sound authentic, not forced.
So muster up some conviction and say it like you mean it.
As a final thought, a lot of this can and often does, lead to crazier sex, so be careful of what you unleash. You can’t always stuff the genie (or his newly acquired restraints and black-leather ball gag) back into the bottle.
Take your time, don’t be timid, have fun with it, and explore. And, over time, if you just can’t get into it, you can always put it on the back burner and peel away another layer of your sexual being by exploring something else.