Here in NYC, the women are a different breed! They are take-no-prisoners boardroom women, successful business owners and dynamic entrepreneurs.
However, what works in business not only may not work in the dating world, but can actively sabotage it!
I had a client recently that was a 6-figure executive assistant for a large hedge fund. She had it all! Awesome apartment, good job, disposable income, etc, but had no one to share it with.
She met this great Brooklyn musician at a singles event and had a connection. As a type-A personality, she really liked his laid back attitude. But, she let her work persona into her dating life.
He tried to plan a date and it was last minute and they couldn’t get reservations. As an EA, she could plan the minutiae of everyone’s lives with ease, so she took control of the planning process.
She picked the place, got the time, let him know the dress code and even suggested the best way to get there on the subway. While she thought she was doing good, helping the poor guy out, she didn’t realize that she was unintentionally emasculating him.
Her message was, “You’re incompetent and I can do this much better. Why don’t you just sit in the corner and I’ll take care of this.”
He wasn’t too into her after that and nothing developed. When I brought this up to her she remarked, “So what, I’m just supposed to let him fail and not get a reservation?” YES! We all make sacrifices to make the other person feel good!
Most guys don’t want to have a 20-minute discussion on “how your day went,” but we do it because we know it will help the relationship and bring us closer. So what if he failed? Then you’ll go find something spontaneous and it might be the most memorable date you’ve been on!
Another example would be, frankly, many of my female colleagues in the dating world. No matter what your job is, there’s always still a scared kid inside of us, hoping to be loved.
Many of the fantastic women in the dating coaching/matchmaking/relationship expert field find it incredibly difficult to date. It seems counter-intuitive, right? But the minute that the man hears the field she’s in, he starts getting intimidated. He thinks that she’s judging him constantly or that nothing that he does will be right.
Or worse, some feel that she may be using him as “material” or that she’ll write about him if it doesn’t go well. When actually, these are some of the most knowledgeable, well put together, feminine women you’ll find. And, they won’t be making rookie relationship mistakes!
But, many men think a strong woman is too difficult of a “challenge” and won’t pursue, when like I said, it’s just woman, asking a man to love her.
Below is one of my favorite quotes on the subject:
One of the ways for strong women to date successfully would be to tone down the masculine energy and tap more into your feminine side.
By NO means do I mean “dim your star” but, there are ways.
For instance NEVER shake hands on a date. It signifies that this is a meeting and not a date. Just a quick peck on the cheek will set the tone that “yes, this is a date!” Learn to be approachable again.
For many years, women have learned to politely (or not!) brush off guys or send the signal “don’t approach me.” Now, after so many years, it’s ingrained in them. Are your arms crossed? Uncross them! Are you making sure you’re letting the guy know you’re interested in him coming over? Meet eyes, smile, look away, look back.
Lots of women ask me though, “But I can’t wait for them to always approach! Is it okay if I approach them?” The answer is yes, with conditions.
We all value more what we earn more than what is given to us. Men do like the chase, even if they say they don’t. So yes, you can approach them but soon after say something like, “It was great talking to you! I have to go back and check in with my friends but come find me later and we’ll talk more!”
This way he knows that you want him to come talk to you and you give him a small challenge where he has to do a little work to come and get you. If he’s putting no energy into it, and you’re doing all the approaching and flirting, he just won’t value you or the relationship as much as he could/should.
Hunt Ethridge is a Hoboken-based dating consultant and a fashion writer. Currently, he is the Senior Dating Coach at New York Dating Coach (www.newyorkdatingcoach.com).